Break
by NettieC
Summary: An unexpected break leads to an unexpected revelation as to just how hard life had been for Mac.


Another decade old piece … not all that polished but I thought it was great at the time.

Break

By Nettie

 **Friday 1830**

 **JAG Headquarters**

Six of them had assembled in the conference room for an impromptu meeting at 1830 on a Friday evening. Of the six, only Major General Cresswell and Commander Steven Alexander knew the reason for it. The others had been left to wonder and surmise but not one of them had come anywhere near the mark.

Harm sat down next to Bud and opposite Mac and Sturgis, they all exchanged quizzical glances. The General and Commander were in the corner in a last minute hushed discussion and when the General finally began talking to his senior officer group it was 1845.

'Right, there's no need for me to introduce Commander Alexander to you,' he began, gesturing towards the man who had taken a seat next to Mac. 'But I will. He has been here for the last month conducting interviews and research into productivity. That was the cover, wasn't it Commander?'

'Yes, General, on the surface I was here to investigate the workings of JAG Headquarters, caseloads, results, hours, etc.'

'On the surface?' So what were you really doing, Commander?' asked Sturgis.

'Sir, do you want to field this one?' Commander Alexander asked the General.

'I think so. Not long after I began here I became concerned about the level of stress within this office.'

'Stress?' repeated Sturgis.

'Yes, stress. Organisational stress, personal stress.'

'Every job has stress, sir,' Bud offered.

'Indeed it does, Commander Roberts,' began Commander Alexander. 'But there has to be an outlet for it. Since 2001 there has been an unprecedented rise in the caseloads being dealt with by this office. Statistics show that, in comparison to the year 2000, lawyers in this office have increased their weekly hours worked by up to 32%. There has been a 600% increase in the time spent abroad, mostly in hostile environments. There has been a reduction in the amount of leave taken.'

'Tell us something we don't know,' said Harm. 'We've been living it.'

'Exactly, Commander,' said the General. 'There have also been other events occur in the same period in each of your private lives which would also increase your stress levels.'

'So what exactly is this about?' asked Mac becoming decidedly uneasy about the whole conversation. Her own life had hardly been a picnic over recent years but she was not going to discuss it in this forum.

'We are having a fairly quiet time, comparatively speaking,' began the General. 'Commanders Rabb and Roberts, you concluded your cases today, did you not?'

'Yes sir,' they replied in unison.

'And Colonel, your appeal has also concluded?'

'Yes sir,' she answered.

'Commander Turner, you have closing arguments with the Maxwell case scheduled for Monday, don't you?'

'Yes, sir.'

'As of 1930 today, Commanders Rabb and Roberts and Colonel MacKenzie, you three are on six weeks leave. Commander Turner, yours starts at the conclusion of your trial. I have organised for JAG staff from other offices to be reassigned for the duration.'

'Leave, sir? Why?' asked Bud, not that he couldn't do with the break, it would be wonderful to spend some time with Harriet and the kids.

'Commander Alexander,' the General nodded.

'I'm not a time and motion man, I have a background in sociology and staff health and wellbeing. During my month here I conducted formal and informal discussions with all staff stationed here and conducted several investigations. My findings, regarding this officer group, were quite concerning.'

'Like?' asked Harm, half afraid to hear the answer.

'Like, more than one of you has displayed signs of clinical depression.

Like, more than one of you has had episodes of prolonged insomnia.

Like, more than one of you has had significant medical problems.

Like, more than one of you has experienced traumatic episodes without receiving adequate counselling.

Like, more than one of you has had suicidal thoughts. Would you _like_ me to go on?'

Harm shook his head, he had heard enough.

'There are provisos for this leave. Firstly, you will not be recalled during the six weeks so feel confident to go anywhere and do anything, you won't be interrupted. Secondly, this leave is additional to any leave due and will only appear on your service record as Authorised Leave. Thirdly, that you spend time seeking any assistance you may need in dealing with any matters in your life that have been neglected. Fourthly, that you try and find some time to spend with each other as friends. And the biggest one, the last one, that you do not set foot in this office for the duration. Any questions?' the General concluded.

All four sat there motionless, a thousand questions begging to be asked filled their heads but each one shook their head.

'Good. Commander Alexander, thank you for your work. Commander Turner, I will see you on Monday and as for you three, you now have fifteen minutes to collect your things and go home. Dismissed.'

'Aye, aye, sir, they stood and said in unison.

When the General and Commander Alexander had departed the four remaining officers stood and stared at each other.

Harm spoke first. 'Six weeks leave; I did not see that coming.'

'Me either,' agreed Bud.

'I was definitely on the wrong track,' said Sturgis.

But Mac said nothing.

'Harriet is going to be thrilled,' Bud said.

'So is Varese, she wanted me to spend some time with her on the road,' said Sturgis.

'I might get a chance to finish the restoration work on the plane,' Harm said.

But Mac said nothing.

'Mac, what are you going to do?' asked Sturgis.

'Get out of here,' she said and left.

 **Friday 2006**

 **Mac's Apartment**

Mac had not been in her apartment ten minutes when someone knocked on her door. Her first instinct was to ignore it and so she did. Her anonymous visitor wasn't dissuaded and knocked louder and louder. Mac finally conceded and went to the door. She looked through the peephole and sighed.

She opened the door and gave a weak smile. 'Did you follow me home, Harm?'

'Yes I did. Can I come in?' he asked.

'Yeah, I guess,' Mac opened the door fully and Harm walked in. 'Can I get you something?'

'Can I take you out for dinner?'

'Thanks, but I'm not really up to going out.'

'We can order in – a celebration dinner.'

'What are we celebrating?'

'Our six weeks of freedom.'

'Oh yeah, that. Sure, knock yourself out,' she said as she threw the phone to him. 'I'm getting changed.

Harm was about to conclude his order when Mac returned, dressed in blue jeans and a white t-shirt, barefoot and hair down. Harm watched her walk through to the kitchen.

'Sir, sir, the address?'

'Oh, I'm sorry,' apologised Harm before giving the details and hanging up.

Mac returned with two glasses of water and placed them on the coffee table before sitting crossed legged on the sofa. 'Are you going to stand there all night?'

'Uh, no,' Harm said sitting beside her. "Well, here's to the next six weeks, cheers,' he said raising his glass.

'Yeah,' replied Mac without enthusiasm. 'The next six weeks.'

They clinked glasses and Mac replaced hers without taking a drink.

'So, what's the problem Mac?'

'What problem?'

'The one you have with us getting a six week break.'

'I don't have a problem with it,' she said playing with the cuff on her jeans.

'Now, look me in the eye and say it again.'

Mac just shook her head. Six weeks to sit around and think about the stress and stressors in her life was the last thing she needed.

'Mac?'

'Harm!'

'You're not going to tell me, are you?'

'No.'

'Okay, I'll drop it – for now.'

'Thank you.'

'What were your plans for tonight?'

'A quiet night in, Beaches is on and I wanted to watch it.' She wasn't a huge fan but needed a good cry and thought it would be the perfect opportunity.

'Mind if I watch it with you?'

'Really?'

'Yeah, who's in it?'

'Bette Midler and Barbra Hershey.'

'Oh, it's a chick flick.'

'Changed your mind?'

'No, Beaches it is.'

As soon as dinner was over Mac turned on the television in time for the opening credits. She turned on the table lamp and switched off the room lights. She sat back down and drew her knees to her chest. She had started to cry only a few minutes into the movie and Harm resisted the urge to comfort her. However, when she began to sob quietly he moved over to her and drew her to him. She didn't resist but her eyes didn't leave the screen.

After a few minutes her sobbing subsided. Harm stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head. As Mac seemed genuinely engrossed in the movie he began to watch it. He was surprised when he felt a warm, damp trickle slide down his face. He tried to brush it away without Mac seeing, she had but didn't comment.

As the song Wind Beneath My Wings played out, Harm found it extremely difficult to keep his composure. It was a song that he had always associated with his father. When Mac realised he was crying more than she was she put her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek before holding him tightly.

When the final credits rolled they didn't move from their comfortable entwinement.

'Tell me again why you like that movie?'

'I don't.'

'Then why watch it?' he asked stroking her hair.

'I needed a good cry.'

'Well, it did the trick.'

'It usually does.'

'How many times have you seen it?'

'Enough.'

'Does it help?'

'Sometimes.'

He kissed her head. 'You could try talking to someone, someone like me.'

Mac smiled but didn't answer.

'Did you hear me?'

She nodded.

After a short silence Mac grabbed a cushion and lay down on the sofa with her head on the cushion on Harm's lap.

'Harm, you don't want to know,' she said very, very quietly.

He leant down and gently kissed her forehead before stroking her hair.

'Yeah, I do, Sarah,' he replied almost as quietly.

'It's pretty simple, really.'

'What is?'

'The five 'like' statements Commander Alexander gave. The 'more than one of' us spiel.'

'Oh that, what about it?'

'He could have been referring to me for each and every one of them.'

'Every one!?'

'Yeah,' she nodded. 'Wasn't hard to figure out was it?'

'I mean all five…every one?' Harm knew she could have answered yes to the first four but the fifth was suicidal thoughts and suddenly he felt very scared.

'Yes, Harm, even that one.' She knew what he was trying to get at. She closed her eyes not sure what reaction she'd get. Within moments she felt the tender touch of his fingers along her face.

'When? Why?' he asked quietly.

'I guess it had been a build up of things but it came to a head after _that_ episode with Tanveer and Clayton. It had just been one thing after another. I couldn't trust my own judgement, I couldn't trust my own body, I couldn't trust anything. Everything I touched seemed to go wrong and I really couldn't see a way out.'

'But you only thought about it?' he asked, continuing to stroke her hair. 'You never did anything about it, did you?' He was afraid to hear the answer.

'Not really.'

'Does that mean you did?'

'I had a bottle of sleeping tablets and after a truly horrible Monday I sat on that armchair and tried to think of anything good in my life that would make the pain of going on worth it, one thing, just one.'

'And you thought of something?'

'No.'

'So what happened?' Tears filled his eyes, how had he not known this?

'I went to the kitchen, filled a glass with water and opened the bottle.'

'Then what?'

Mac opened her eyes. 'You knocked on the door.'

'I did!? Why?'

'You said it was because I took your Schaffer pen and it was your lucky pen and you needed it back.'

'I remember that night. I was worried about you and I came over and that was the only excuse I could come up with.'

'You didn't stay long but do remember what you said when you were leaving?'

Harm shook his head.

'You said 'Mac get some sleep – tomorrow's a whole new ballgame.''

'I said that!'

'Yeah.'

'That's right, the General was starting.'

'Yep. After you left I went back into the kitchen and picked up the bottle. The next day could be a whole new ballgame for one of two reasons. One, the General was coming, the slate could be wiped clean and I could see it as a new beginning.'

'Or two?'

'Two, I could be dead and that would be a whole new experience of its own.'

She drew a breath. 'So, I emptied the contents of the bottle into my hand. I was surprised at how calm I was. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and threw them into the sink.'

'Oh, thank God,' Harm muttered involuntarily. 'What made you change your mind?'

'I saw your Schaffer pen on the bench and I realised that I had gotten the one good thing – the sign to go on.'

'The pen was the sign?'

'No.'

'The point that the next day was a whole new ballgame?'

'No.'

'Then what?'

'You.'

'Me?'

'You – after everything that had happened, after I'd treated you so appallingly, you still came here that night because you were worried about me. You actually thought I was worth the effort even though I felt beyond worthless.'

'I am so glad I came over that night,' said Harm in a whisper as he gently kissed her.

'So am I,' Mac replied. 'So am I.'


End file.
